I have been debating for quite a while about continuing this blog or not, as may have been apparent from my lack of new postings. The upheaval in life here last fall really left me questioning everything and wondering if I should continue anything along the path I had started.
Things settled down as they do, but even despite all of the “you can do this” and “when the going gets tough, the tough get going”, and other inspirational posts that I came across, I wasn’t feeling it. There was a silence on the other end of the line that I just wasn’t used to.
For the majority of my working life, I have had a commute that was at least 30 minutes in either direction. Drives like this became my me time, a time to quite my mind, organize my life and reconnect with God. Quite a few years ago on one such drive, I heard that quite but oh so clear voice say to me “Be ready.” Vague as that may be, it has stuck with me as clear as the moment I heard it. In my heart, I felt it was a call to be prepared to take care of my family regardless of circumstances, to provide food and other essentials without a lot of outside assistance.
Slowly I have been developing these skills, and I thought (and still do) that having our own farm is a big part of “being ready”. Losing Sugar Dot and so much of what we were building last year really challenged this though, and felt like a big fat “NO!” No, you aren’t meant to be a part of the dairy industry. No, soap making isn’t for you. No, you aren’t meant to farm. No, you aren’t meant to garden. No, you have got it all wrong. No. And then I heard nothing, for the first time in my life I really felt distance from God.
The last few weeks I have really been pondering this and a very very unlikely TV series pushed me to find a way to hear His voice again. I have spent time in prayer and working to clear all the negative thoughts from my mind. Opening room to hear “Not yet,” instead of “No.” Little crumbs of things I need keep trickling into my path, skills like caring for our sadly neglected apple trees, things like being able to transport our horses by myself, learning more about gardening indoors and out.
I also have learned that the dairy industry is struggling something terrible right now. More and more small-scale farms are having to sell out due to low milk prices and lack of local support. Clearly, it is not a great time to be considering this a career choice, but it is a good time to learn more about it.
Am I sure about what my path is ahead of me? Not yet. But for now, I am going to get back to sharing Tuesday stories, because those dinners are important to who I am and what I want my girls to remember about growing up. After logging into this website for the first time in a long time, I was surprised to see that I still was having daily traffic, much more than would have ever expected. Am I going to be a famous blogger? Maybe not yet, but I will keep sharing stories and recipes 🙂